keep me alive.
i feel so tired out.

and mum and dad seem to be constantly unhappy with me.
school sucks.
because i can't catch up.
and i don't seem to be evangelising enough.
and mayb im pms-ing.

but Lord, You make it all worth while.
only You bring meaning to life.

12:43 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

alot of things i (and a lot of girls like danitza and sammie) want to do on our wedding day:

1. sing songs to our spouses n mk each other cry tears of joy
2. dance and have fun at our wedding.
3. do things you'll nv do in your entire life like yell and run down the aisle in your wedding gown and sport shoes.
4. lead worship together for our wedding.
5. not get everyone to sit for so long.
6. be spontaneous and get married in a not-usual-normal way.
7. i currently cannot think of anymore because i have tut work on my mind.
BUT MORE MAD IDEAS, CURRENTLY TAG.
heh.

i feel mad.
and i feel like getting married.
i want to.

but i shall leave that in your hands dearest God, Lord, Jesus.
because You are the author and perfector of my faith and You are my Creator.
not me.
(:

smiles.

that's what happens if you have two weddings on a weekend-saturday and sunday.

sammieeeee:
this song is dedicated to you!!!
haha even though you linked me to this song.
heh.

until God shows you who's made for you,
i'll sing this song for you!
loads of love. hugs!




I Will Be Here(Steven Curtis Chapman)

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here.


so sweeeeet.
i thank God i'm a girl when at times i feel like saying stuff like that.
and i'm entitled to.
haha.
feel so silly laughing to myself.
indeed, i pray for my husband-to-be, that he may love Jesus til the point of death,
and love His word, living and breathing in the gospel.
that we may both walk worthy of the gospel, and the hope of our calling.
today's sermon at adam road presbytarian was so good.
a life of holiness.

the christian life: simply to live a life that pleases God and is holy and separate to Him.
Holiness is our status, and yet it is a process we go through til the day we meet Jesus in Heaven.

help me to grasp that.


thank You Jesus for making life worth the living!
and for evry moment, from life, to death, beyond death,
i'm so so thankful for the cross.




Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev'ry bitter thought,
Ev'ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.

Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the vict'ry cry.

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.


help me to live the coming week for You.
it's so difficult.

12:01 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

it speaks so much to me now.

ask me what's on my mind.

Lord, oh for grace to trust You more,
and to last me for a lifetime.

let the tears wash away my pride and keep me broken before You.

Labels: You are breaking my heart for what breaks Yours.

2:31 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

tired.

just finished listening to Influenza lec that i missed in wk 2.
now its alr wk 4!
i can't believe it.

so fast so fast.

visited gong gong today.
and it was just so heart-wrenching.
seeing the bed sore. skin tear. and how helpless he was. and uncle george feeling abit low as well.
ugh.
wish i could do more.
and then it just comes in the need for prayer.
pray more.
God loves him so much more than i do.
and can do so much more.
i'm only human.
i shall trust.
and pray.
and do whatever i can.
going to drop by tmr aftr sch.
stupid sch. don't like all the assignments tt are coming up. they suck terribly.
i shan't get angry.
sighs.

You gave me hope
You showed me grace
at the cross

and this is grace: an invitation to be beautiful.

redemption calls out the best of who we are.
and yet, even this best is like filthy rags before You,
because You are of infinite value,
and to describe You with our human words are but an insult to You.
our created words cannot describe the Creator.
its just impossible.
You are leagues and leagues above us.

help me to trust You,
and to live a life that pleases You.
it's getting tougher every day.
and i feel like giving up.

Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me
save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
waking or sleeping
Thy presence my guide.

embrace sleep. and there's still so much to do.

but i look to You Jesus.

1:22 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

time is flying time is flying time is flying.

and i'm so not pleased.

feels like tearing my hair out.
so much to do.
and i don't know if i should take this project on.

ginny's 21st is coming.
exciting.
but i dont feel excited for mine.

i feel lost.
suddenly.

and imagine me saying that spastically.
i really do feel that way.

hmm.
i think i can't keep up with the to-do-list.
i can never.
not without God's grace.
it's a miracle i'm awake every day.
and i can live and breathe.


okay. enough time wasted.
to Ephesians!

i'm getting weirder and more forlorn thoughts by the day.

10:56 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

help me to live for You.

felt like fainting abit today.
wonder how its is like. should be qt exciting i think.

how can i possibly have so many things on mind, and not know what to do. but feel phased out, and feel like there's nothing to do?

and want to speak out so much more, but im hindered by selfish Self.
argh.
crucify. kill the flesh.
to put to death in utter destruction.
even with intense pain.

that s the greek meaning of crucify.

i need a fresh revelation on that.
wake me up from this.
and at the same time, grant me rest.


. I Will Glory In My Redeemer
I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness

I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace

I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle's wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I'll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold


Your face forever to behold.

i think mum thinks i have suitors.
what a joke.
i shake my head and laugh in derison.
but i thank You for preserving me from all that nonsense for good reason. i have too much to handle now.

perhaps.
perhaps.

she looks at the night sky, and admires the moon that lit the sky.

"I am the moon with no light of my own.
still You have made me to shine.
and as i glow in this cold dark night,
You know i cannot be a light unless i turn my face
to You."

a sigh and a kiss from the night air.

let me run away with You.
kidnap me.
take me away.

i've got nothing left to say.

2:31 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

how high and how wide
how deep and how long
how sweet and how strong is your love
how lavish your grace
how faithful your ways
how great is your love
O Lord

this song takes on a whole new meaning as i study ephesians.

and i'm brought to my knees.

i need to pray like never before.
to see the world through your eyes.
and cry out for mercy.

and cry i did.
but for the dumbest reason ever.
because of a needle poking into my face.
i never knew it could be so painful.
and how i imagined,
if i had to suffer the agony of it,
a hundred times over,
and be asked to recant my trust and belief in my Saviour and Lord.
would i say a resounding,
"I am a Christian!"
or what happens if i fail to do so,
keeps me in fear and trembling.

but i trust not in myself,
but in Him who says that He who began a good work will carry it on to completion.

but take for granted His grace,
i cannot.
and i tried, to speak forth this glorious truth today.
think i failed terribly.
but Lord, u work in the heart and mind of my friend.

i am undone.

countless thoughts of failings and what-ifs and wishings of fleeting beings.
who shall save me from this wretched body, mind and soul?
only You.
kill me, i pray.
that i might know you and live according to Your ways.
not mine,
for they are disgustingly filthy.
put to death the things of the flesh.
Christ increase, and i decrease.

i want a husband.
but i leave in Your hands, God.
not my will, but Yours be done.
and if the calling is to one of celibacy,
i embrace it with joy.
for what more can i ask, that i be pure for You in both body and spirit?
as Paul said in corinthians.
to be wholeheartedly in service for you,
and concerned about Your things.

keep my eyes fixed upon You.
on the cross.

be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me
save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
waking or sleeping Thy presence my guide

heart of my own heart
whatever befall
Still be my Vision O Ruler of all

2:42 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

adora, i hope you don't mind.
i took this from her blog:

I still cannot shake it off.

Under the running water,

I let the water flow down from top to toe,

in hope that it can erase and wash away my thoughts and feelings.







That feeling comes again,

I try to block it out.

But will they understand me?

Will anyone on earth understand?

Is it really true only the one in Heaven will know?







That’s quite sad isn’t it.

Yet glad in a way.

It makes me walk by faith.

still, sometimes it seems I walk this road alone.

With no one to hold but His hands.







I wish and pray He’ll communicate to me like to others.

Speaking in verbal words,

speaking to me in such a way that I know that I know,

deep inside me, it’s all from Him and no other.







I surrender all to You,

take me deeper into a more intimate relationship with you.







and here’s our love song,

I know you’re smiling.

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you.

You fill my heart with gladness,

take away all my sadness.

You ease my troubles that’s what you do.




For the morning sun in all it’s glory,

Greets the day with hope and comfort too.

You fill my life with laughter

And somehow you make it better.

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.

There’s a love that’s divine,

And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun.

And at the end of the day,

We should give thanks and pray,

To the one, to the one.




Have I told you lately that I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you.

Fill my heart with gladness,

Take away all my sadness.

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.




There’s a love that’s divine.

And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun.

And at the end of the day,

We should give thanks and pray

To the one, to the one.




And have I told you lately that I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you.

You fill my heart with gladness.

Take away all my sadness,

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.




Take away all my sadness,

Fill my life with gladness,

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.




Take away all my sadness,

Fill my life with gladness,

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.”



somehow, this song brings tears to my eyes right now.
because Jesus, i can never love You enough.

and why You love me, and how You loved me,
just overwhelms me.

2:22 AM

i escaped for awhile.
into the world of resident evil.
what a stupid silly thing to do.

it did not help anything.

now perhaps i know why i was more upset and emotional than usual.
stupid blood came just now.
i'm a nurse and i can't be more crude.
but my uterus lining is shedding.

jazreel would snigger.

sighs.

no wonder facial seemed so much more painful than usual today.
reli felt like just giving up.
in everything.

and i do not know what i'm doing once again.
all i wish i could do was fall at Your feet and just cry.

Oh You Bring
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now Im alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You Im found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus Youre everything I need

Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

All honour
All glory
All praise to You


i'm not going school tmr.
feel so naughty.
feel like the most wretched being on earth.

so unworthy.

ughh.
i cannot put things into words anymore.

i need















Jesus, please don't pass me by.

only You can

1:53 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

God did not ordain the cross of Christ or create the lake of fire3 in order to communicate the insignificance of belittling his glory. The death of the Son of God and the damnation of unrepentant human beings are the loudest shouts under heaven that God is infinitely holy, and sin is infinitely offensive, and wrath is infinitely just, and grace is infinitely precious, and our brief life—and the life of every person in your church and in your community—leads to everlasting joy or everlasting suffering. If our preaching does not carry the weight of these things to our people, what will? Veggie Tales? Radio? Television? Discussion groups? Emergent conversations?

God planned for his Son to be crucified (Revelation 13:8; 2 Timothy 1:9) and for hell to be terrible (Matthew 25:41) so that we would have the clearest witnesses possible to what is at stake when we preach. What gives preaching its seriousness is that the mantle of the preacher is soaked with the blood of Jesus and singed with fire of hell. That’s the mantle that turns mere talkers into preachers. Yet tragically some of the most prominent evangelical voices today diminish the horror of the cross and the horror of hell—the one stripped of its power to bear our punishment, and the other demythologized into self-dehumanization and the social miseries of this world.4

Oh that the rising generations would see that the world is not overrun with a sense of seriousness about God. There is no surplus in the church of a sense of God’s glory. There is no excess of earnestness in the church about heaven and hell and sin and salvation. And therefore the joy of many Christians is paper thin. By the millions people are amusing themselves to death with DVDs, and 107-inch TV screens, and games on their cell phones, and slapstick worship, while the spokesmen of a massive world religion write letters to the West in major publications saying, “The first thing we are calling you to is Islam . . . It is the religion of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil with the hand, tongue and heart. It is the religion of jihad in the way of Allah so that Allah’s Word and religion reign Supreme.”5 And then these spokesmen publicly bless suicide bombers who blow up children in front of Falafel shops and call it the way to paradise. This is the world in which we preach.

And yet incomprehensibly, in this Christ-diminishing, soul-destroying age, books and seminars and divinity schools and church growth specialists are bent on saying to young pastors, “Lighten up.” “Get funny.” “Do something amusing.” To this I ask, Where is the spirit of Jesus? “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25). “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:29). “Any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:33). “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead” (Matthew 8:22). “Whoever would be first among you must be slave of all” (Mark 10:44). “Fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28). “Some of you they will put to death . . . But not a hair of your head will perish. By your endurance you will gain your lives” (Luke 21:16-19).

Would the church growth counsel to Jesus be, “Lighten up, Jesus. Do something amusing.” And to the young pastor: “Whatever you do, young pastor, don’t be like the Jesus of the Gospels. Lighten up.” From my perspective, which feels very close to eternity these days, that message to pastors sounds increasingly insane.


-John Piper, 2006,
Reflections on the kinds of teaching Produced by the weight of God's glory.

12:53 AM

extremely sad.

leave for church camp and youth camp not approved.
):

i shall turn to the Word of God.

12:47 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

do i lose myself as i grow older?

yes and no.

yes. because you just lose yourself to whatever happens around you.
you lose yourself to be found in Christ.
and you look back and you wish you never knew the you you were once you.
and you lose to find yourself.

no. because i'm found more and more in Christ. and this i pray with all my heart, even though it is deceitful above all, that Christ increase, and i decrease.

i must sleep soon for if i fail to wake tmr, it would bring disastrous results.

today, i ran again in the rain.
all unplanned, and yet wished for.
so cool.
i really ran and smiled in the rain.
smiles and beams.
felt so so good.
but not very when i realised my shoes were squishy and i had to wash my socks and wet clothes again. and was sad my lovely red shoes were wet.
oh well.

thankfully mum dint see me, or she would have scolded me.

and then things could have a turn of events.
but all for the better, eh?

ephesians tmr.
yay!
(:

highlight of the day!

thank God i got the tutorials that are nice(:
thank You!
and perhaps this sem would not be so bad.
You hold me NOW.
and make my day, every day.
literally.
haha for without You, there wouldn't be a day.

12:49 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

hand hurts.
left.
hit by ball.
soccer. sunday.

amazing how our brain can string words tog.
but im too tired.
filled with thoughts of indignation and just not knowin what to say or do.

just being human once again, and you wonder why u are so weak.

if i was not so weak
if i was not so cold
if i was not so scared of being broken and spilled over
i would
be frail.

how quickly people turn and disappear.
and you hurt the ones you love the most.
or think that you know all about them, but you probably don't.

how do i reply?

pain.
is not foreign.
but should be present in a life of a christian-one who does follow Jesus.
and not just profess to be.
the fight and battle between flesh and spirit.

luke 9:23.
Deny yourself, take up the cross daily, and follow me.

help me to.
it's so easy to get sucked into meaningless conversations and forget who i'm living for. help me to share and tell people about you. fearlessly, lovingly, courageously, wisely.

and everything else.

i'm tired.

1:29 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i can't believe one week went past like that.
and i'm suddenly caught with dread and perhaps some fear.

looks at you with beseeching eyes.

i shan't.
and i won't let my thoughts and dread get me down.

could it be just not being able to perform well again?
and just having the furrowed brows turned up at you,
and the feeling just sucks.

no no.
i'm not going to let it gt me down.
just do my best.
how conflicted i can feel.

i haven't packed my bag for tmr.
i haven't finished my cell work for tmr.
i haven't looked thru my lecture notes for the week.
yikes.

stop.

i don't know wad to do.
but stop wasting time typing this and do your work.

Labels: what a rant.

1:21 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

happy birthday joel koh(:
for being my brother 25 years and counting, God bless u!
(even though u might not be able to see this.)
you are someone whom i look up to a lot.
and your words mean so much to me.
seeing you sing and make funny comments,
and being so frenly, and so encouraging of me playing soccer, it makes a whole lot of difference. especially when i feel so terrible after every soccer match. just hearing you say, "just keep playing, will get better one." means so much to me.

and chin said,
"celebrate the 26th year coming on."
i just realised we celebrate the 25 years he has lived, and he now is moving on to his 26th. made me realise, we celebrate the number of years someone has lived, and not the 25th year of his life. that is alr over and gone. if u get what im trying to say. it kinda means like we are one year older den we think we are.

and then i think,
how have i lived my life for you?
and i cannot celebrate it if i know i have wasted my life away.
it would only bring grief and weeping if i hadn't given you all that i am and have.
but then, nothing comes from me.
even the very breath that i have.
everything comes from You.
You, Jesus, whom everything came to be, and exist for.

where would i be without You
here in my life

You are my freedom,
Jesus You're the reason
I'm kneeling again at Your throne

someone once told me not to do kneeling songs.
how can i try not to?
it's just the overflow of everything that i have experienced, and just yearning for everyone else to just fall on their knees in no pretense and worship our Creator God. the Holy One.

somehow, i just feel silence once again.
i'm not going to step back into those dreary or perhaps, more thoughtful moments, but it just saddens me that sometimes everything is taken for granted, and at the end of the day, we always go after the things that either we can't have, or don't need, and then fall short again and start feeling miserable.

a chasing after the wind.

open up my eyes, and help me see what is present now.
and not waste my time dreaming of what ifs and could have beens.
turn my feelings and emotions away from myself. selfish one.
and back to You-the author and perfector of faith.
in whom all things exist and have their being.

one day i'll play my song and sing down streets of who You are
one day i'll turn my eyes to the fields and say with glee, "the harvest is here!"
one day i'll walk down the aisle with You in my heart, full of every emotion i could ever have
one day i'll live day to day just being contented to serve and nurse the broken back to health
one day i'll sing with joy with chains in my hands
one day i'll smile and cry and fall at Your feet

one day

if i could write down every thought i have and sing them into a love song.

how do i give my life to You?
how can i love You more?
i'm afraid i can't.
only You can help me to love You.

keep me broken and contrite i pray.

3:00 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-